Why some couples struggle to recover from an affair

In Couples Counselling Sydney CBD we see a lot of couples grappling with the aftershocks of affair discovery, or infidelity of some other type. It may be that one partner has admitted to a full-blown affair.  Other times, one partner has been accused of having an affair but there is scant evidence and denial is strong.

These couples present to couples counselling with a lot of things going on for them emotionally. Most realise that if the couples therapy doesn’t go well, they’ll be looking at the end of their relationship. If they have children, they may be looking at the end of an intact family, with many repercussions for all involved.

It’s fairly typical for the relationship therapist to see a big difference between the injured partner and the person who had the affair. Each of them needs different emotional support.

The injured partner is in shock and extreme pain. They describe being bewildered and often unable to sleep, eat, parent children or concentrate at work. They feel anger, sadness and disbelief in a sickening rotation. They come to relationship therapy with a lot of questions for their partner – hoping the couples counselling is a way they can get answers.

The affair partner is often also in pain – maybe a different type of pain to the injured partner, but pain, nonetheless. It’s typical for them to try to downplay the affair and minimise things like how long the affair went on, or how involved they became. A common reason for minimising the affair is because they are ashamed of the pain they have inflicted on their partner and the destruction they have caused. Most people who have had an affair or breach of infidelity struggle to know how much to disclose. They are concerned about their partner’s reactions and what full disclosure could mean for the relationship.

Occasionally I see couples where the person who has had the affair uses couples therapy as a ‘safe’ way to exit the relationship.  They might regret hurting their partner, but they have decided to be with the person they’ve been cheating with. They might feel that it will easier for themself, or easier on their partner, if the relationship breaks up in a therapy session.

While couples therapy can and does help people move through this pain and save their relationship, sometimes it does not.

So what stops relationship therapy working when a couple has had an affair?

Here are some of the reasons I have seen the process fail.

• The person who cheated hasn’t answered questions truthfully or sufficiently. Or their answers don’t add up. Often the injured partner has a gut feeling (which is usually right) that their partner is not telling the whole truth. The injured partner still feels like they are being deceived.
• The affair partner is fatigued by the seemingly never-ending questions that the injured partner has. They don’t understand that it’s a normal response from a person who is in shock, and who might not be able to process things the first time they hear them.
• The affair partner is scared to tell the whole truth about the extent of the affair, thinking this will make it harder to repair the relationship. Ironically what tends to happen is the injured partner finds out information anyway, which further erodes their trust in their partner.
• The question of “why?” is not addressed or answered satisfactorily. Why did one person choose to have an affair? If the “why” does not make sense to the injured partner, then affair recovery is virtually impossible.  It’s the “why” that needs the biggest focus in couples therapy because once the “why” is revealed, the injured partner can start to make sense of the betrayal.  This is an important step to healing for the injured partner.
• The affair is still going. Sometimes it’s discovered in couples therapy that the cheating partners is still engaged in an active and inappropriate relationship with the person they had the affair with. Couples can’t progress in couples therapy if this is the case.

This is all very grim and disheartening and you may be wondering if it is ever possible to recover from an affair or betrayal?  As I said earlier, the answer is yes. But the following needs to occur:

• Affair partner – needs to tell the whole truth, warts and all. And be prepared to answer questions truthfully to their injured partner. If your partner has asked the question, then answer the question.
• Affair partner – needs to continuously reassure their injured partner they want to repair their relationship, they love them, find them attractive and so on. This reassurance needs to occur at least once a day.  Sometimes multiple times a day.  Most injured partners tell me there is just not enough reassurance from the affair partner once the infidelity is discovered.
• Affair partner – needs to take responsibility. Show remorse, apologise, fall on their sword.  They need to do this daily, because the injured partner will lash out in different ways daily.  The cheater just has to suck it up if they want to save their relationship.
• Affair partner – needs to not be defensive or reactive if the injured party raises a question which has been asked several times before. It’s normal.  The injured person is not ready to move on yet, they haven’t processed the answer yet in a way that makes sense to them.
• Affair partner – needs to stop all contact with the person they cheated with. If this means you need to change your job, change gyms, give up your tap-dancing class or whatever, just do it.
• The affair partner and the injured partner need to be able to honestly look at their relationship and ask themselves if changes need to be made. The injured partner often doesn’t want to hear this but typically there is an underlying reason why the affair partner did what they did. It doesn’t excuse the affair. But it can explain what needs to change to prevent this occurring again.

The reality is the injured partner needs a lot of support, sensitivity and “holding” in the couples counselling process.  The worst thing that can happen is if the couples counselling moves too quickly and outpaces where the injured partner is emotionally at.  It can be quite a balancing act for the couple’s therapist who must balance the emotional needs of the injured partner with the emotional needs of the affair partner.

This is why it’s important to book couples therapy with a properly trained couples’ therapist who has specific training in affairs and infidelity.

At Sydney Couple and Family Specialists you can we provide Couples Counselling in Sydney CBD in a confidential supportive environment.

To learn more about our Couples Counselling Sydney CBD services please click here.

Written by Jacqueline McDiarmid – not a bot.

About Jacqueline Jacqueline has been in private practice for more than two decades, helping individuals, couples and families.  She has extensive experience in couple and family therapy and is considered a specialist in these areas. In her clinical practice, she has helped people deal with complex trauma, affairs, complex mental health issues, eating disorders, adolescent behavioural problems (including self-harm and suicidal ideation), behavioural issues in young children which are impacting parents and families, relationship issues and post-separation work. Jacqueline works with many different dynamics: couples, parents, families with young children, same-sex couples, foster/adopted families, families with teenagers and also adult families.  She is particularly interested in helping parents of children with behavioural issues, or with diagnosed conditions such as anxiety, ADHD, ASD and so on. Although Jacqueline’s work is supportive and friendly, she will challenge her couples and families to make the necessary behavioural changes, to repair relationships and to move towards healthier communication styles in the future. Jacqueline’s style is direct and fast paced and she is known for quickly getting to the heart of the matter.  Clients report that they feel safe and understood with Jacqueline.

If you’re struggling in your relationship and need professional support, don’t wait. Complete the contact form now and include a brief note describing your unique situation so Jacqueline McDiarmid or one of our experienced Couples Counsellors can best support you. You can also contact The Sydney Couple and Family Specialists directly on 02 8968 9397 to take the first step toward meaningful change today.