Why some couples fight over and over?

I have had a few young couples in couples therapy lately.  Aged in their 30’s.  No children yet.  Their issue?  Constant conflict. Sniping and niggling. Arguments that are often the same arguments over the same issues.

“It feels like we’re fighting over and over.”

You may be thinking – if they are fighting so much and the relationship is still new, they should end things now. That’s a fair call. You could also argue that if a couple have been together for years, then suddenly start fighting a lot, it’s time for them to split.

But I don’t think it’s as clear-cut as that. I also don’t believe that conflict means a couple shouldn’t be together or can’t be together.

Nearly 30 years as a Couples Therapist has taught me that constant fighting is usually about two things: differences in values, and problems with communication. One of these things alone is problematic for a relationship. And if both occur, there’s double the trouble.

In good news, differences in values and poor communications can be solvable issues.

With some work, and the guidance of a couples therapist who can provide insights, tools and support, couples can interrupt the pattern of constant fighting and give their relationship a better chance.

So, if you and your partner are fighting over and over, or you feel like you’re always having the same argument, here are some things to consider. 

Value differences:

When we get into a relationship, we come holding values from our family of origin, and values formed by our life experiences.  Values define what is important to us personally.  Many couples fight because they don’t have aligned values. For instance, one partner might value a tidy house over relaxation, while the other values relaxation over tidiness.

Is this a problem?

If there are differences over really ‘big’ values involving religion, parenting, finances, or extended family contact expectations, then yes, it’s a problem. Values differences at this level can be relationship breakers (and cause lots of serious conflict), and they’re more challenging to work through.

Smaller value differences  – like tidiness standards, or punctuality, or ‘let’s get treats!’ versus ‘let’s be disciplined about nutrition’ can cause arguments. But realistically, no two people are going to have exactly the same values, and you should be able to sort this sort of stuff out with some tolerance and compromise.

If you’re in a relationship and always fighting, think about whether conflicting values might be the underlying problem. If they are, your next steps are to decide if the values are more important than the relationship, and/or to see if you can negotiate a common ground.

Expectations – the crystal ball problem

One of the most common issues I deal with in couples therapy is constant conflict  because people don’t clearly communicate what they expect from their partner.

No, they won’t automatically understand that you are cranky because a crappy thing happened to you or your back is hurting. You need to tell them what’s going on so they’ve got some context.

And communicating half the story or half of your expectations is not good enough.

“I need time on Saturday to get some urgent work done,” is only part of the story.

Does that mean an hour, half a day, or the entire day?  Does it mean you can’t do any childcare or household chores, or will you still be able to take Sophie to soccer and do the supermarket run? Do you want to be left alone completely, or are you doing the sort of work that can be interrupted?

There is no crystal ball in relationships. You might think your partner will be able to see the expectations or ideas in your head, but that’s a very dangerous assumption. Set out expectations of behaviour clearly. Communication is key here.

Problems with your communication style and default positions

If you are really wondering why you and your partner fight over and over,  look at your pattern of communication.

The chances are that one of you is critical and the other is defensive. Both criticism and defensiveness cause conflict and continue conflict.

Constant criticism can be hurtful, and confidence-sapping. If you think criticism will motivate your partner to want to please you by changing a behaviour or doing things the way you want them done, be very careful. You may have the opposite effect – demotivating them and drawing down on their ‘bank’ of relationship goodwill.  If you find yourself being constantly critical, ask yourself two things: “What will criticising my partner about this really achieve and is it worth it?” And, “Is there another way I can get my point across that doesn’t drain relationship goodwill?”

Defensiveness is also the cause of conflict issues in relationships because a person who is defensive can become hyper-reactive to any sort of criticism or feedback. It’s not constructive and it often feeds a back-and-forth pattern of communication that is harmful. If you find yourself feeling defensive, try listening calmly – before reacting automatically – and consider what your partner is trying to tell you. If you need to, take a break from the conversation, go away, and come back ready with a response that’s considered, not reactive.  Defensiveness is the most common behaviour which kicks off conflict (usually after perceived criticism).

If you would like to read more about communication help please read this blog here. https://sydneycoupleandfamily.com/do-you-need-communication-help-for-your-relationship/  

Household chores

This gets its own section. Why? Because almost everyone has this issue. Believe me, I have seen a lot of people in couples therapy who tell me the division of household labour (this includes physical things like emptying dishwashers and folding laundry, and also chores like paying bills and getting the car serviced) is a cause of constant bickering and conflict. Most people think they do more household chores than their partner. 

Most people tell me their partner doesn’t “see” how much they do or appreciate how much they do.

It would be easy to dismiss or minimise these complaints, but they can lead to resentment in the relationship and worse.

So what to do? I recommend that couples have a weekly check-in or ‘family business’ meeting. It’s a time (done with no kids or devices around) to discuss how things are going, what’s coming up for the next week, etc. It’s also a good time to talk about issues and/or reallocation of household chores.

You can also just write a list of chores and who is doing what.  This will quickly show up the work each partner is doing to ensure the household continues to run.

I also remind couples to show appreciation and gratitude towards their partner.  We all forget to do this – it’s a simple and powerful thing that can really reduce conflict in a relationship.

Loss of goodwill

Stress or not having enough good moments together leads to a loss of goodwill in a relationship.  And if the goodwill is gone, the motivation to be less critical or less defensive is often gone too.

Many couples I see speak to each other in ways they would never speak to a guest in the home or a friend. Courtesy, kindness and respect are lost, and replaced by a kind of ‘permission’ to behave badly. Of course, this leads to conflict. Remember how careful and respectful you were to each other when you first met?  You need to move back to this type of communication and respect.  

When should you seek couples therapy?

• If patterns are entrenched or ‘defaults’ in your relationship and you can’t seem to stop the fighting.
• If you are feeling disconnected in your relationship as a consequence of non-stop fighting.
• There is emotional withdrawal or a feeling of “walking on eggshells” around your partner.
• You are unable to repair following conflict.
• There is reduced intimacy as a result of the constant conflict.

Couples counselling in Sydney CBD

Our specialist couples therapists can help you resolve repetitive conflict that has become too difficult to do alone.  Couples therapy provides a space to better understand the underlying dynamics driving conflict which will help you rebuild your emotional connection.

If you are looking for couples counselling in Sydney CBD, please contact us here or call 02 8968 9397.  We also offer online sessions Australia wide.

Written by Jacqueline McDiarmid – not a bot.

About Jacqueline Jacqueline has been in private practice for more than two decades, helping individuals, couples and families.  She has extensive experience in couple and family therapy and is considered a specialist in these areas. In her clinical practice, she has helped people deal with complex trauma, affairs, complex mental health issues, eating disorders, adolescent behavioural problems (including self-harm and suicidal ideation), behavioural issues in young children which are impacting parents and families, relationship issues and post-separation work. Jacqueline works with many different dynamics: couples, parents, families with young children, same-sex couples, foster/adopted families, families with teenagers and also adult families.  She is particularly interested in helping parents of children with behavioural issues, or with diagnosed conditions such as anxiety, ADHD, ASD and so on. Although Jacqueline’s work is supportive and friendly, she will challenge her couples and families to make the necessary behavioural changes, to repair relationships and to move towards healthier communication styles in the future. Jacqueline’s style is direct and fast paced and she is known for quickly getting to the heart of the matter.  Clients report that they feel safe and understood with Jacqueline.

If you’re struggling in your relationship and need professional support, don’t wait. Complete the contact form and include a brief note describing your unique situation so Jacqueline McDiarmid or one of our experienced Couples Counsellors can best support you. You can also contact The Sydney Couple and Family Specialists directly on 02 8968 9397 to take the first step toward meaningful change today.