Why Couples Fight: The Hidden Role of Stress on Relationships

In couples therapy I see four main reasons couples argue:-

1. There are underlying resentments which are unresolved.
2. There is external stress on one or both people in the relationship.
3. There are values differences (you’ll find a recent blog on this issue here)
4. Communication problems.

In this blog I am tackling stress as it’s one of the biggest contributors to high relationship conflict for couples I see in my couples counselling Sydney CBD practice.

Interestingly, a really high number of couples don’t recognise external stresses as a major factor in their relationship problems. Yet when they feel safe enough to start talking about their lives and feelings with an experienced therapist, the costs of stress start to become clear.

These are the main stresses in relationships:

• Parenting stress – often to do with children’s behavioural issues and co-parenting issues.
• Work stress
• Extended family stress
• Blended family stress
• Medical or health stress
• Financial stress
• Lack of time stress

Alone, any of these stress categories are pretty….stressful. But the universe doesn’t usually throw one of these at us at a time. Instead, it’s common for multiple types of stress to be present in lives, and therefore relationships, at the same time.

I‘m sure if you are reading this and you are in a high conflict relationship, you can tick off a number of those stresses that are affecting you right now.

As a result, you may be feeling misunderstood, not heard or valued, not supported, and isolated or lonely in the relationship.

So how can you and your partner stop stress from damaging your relationship?

There’s a limit to the things you can control about external stresses, such as time pressures at your workplace, or the illness that one of you has.

You can, however, control your reactions to external stresses.  And you can take steps to manage stress so it doesn’t fuel conflict or leave you feeling disconnected from your partner.

1. Make a mindset change about ‘the enemy’. A lot of people see their partner as the problem or the enemy. Switch that to seeing stress as the enemy. And not just an enemy to you as an individual – but the enemy of the relationship.  Adopting the mindset that ‘we are a team and need to tackle our stress together’ will move you both to a more caring and connected viewpoint. It sets you up to support each other instead of fighting each other.
   
   
2. Watch how you speak to each other. When people are stressed, they get activated quite quickly. Their ‘fight or flight’ responses take over, and their communication style becomes critical or defensive.  This style of communication does not help with the stresses, and it does damage to your relationship. No matter how stressed you are, you should still be capable of applying the filters of courtesy, respect and love before you speak to your partner. 
   
   You will need to be mindful to do this. I always suggest to couples that they set the intention, ‘I will be kind, gentle and forgiving when I speak with my wife/husband/partner.’
   
   
3. Many couples start arguing when they try and discuss a stressful situation. Adopt the Stress Reducing Conversation model from the Gottman Institute which has been adapted by Alex Ryder – Relationship Therapist.
   
   This model focuses on validating, asking questions, and always taking your partner’s side. Importantly, it gives you some ‘guard rails’ for conversations so they are less likely to end up in the critical/defensive trap.  Please read here for this model.
   
   
4. Intervention.  Sometimes, you just need to get outside help for a source of major stress. Financial stress is a good example. And so is parenting stress if, for instance, you have a child with behavioural issues. Pay for the professional support – it can help with your stress and may very well help save your relationship too.
   
   
5. Once week (ideally on a weekend), set aside a good 40 minutes without distractions to troubleshoot and make a plan to reduce the stress. Do this when you are not tired, hungry or distracted.
   
   
6. Self-care. Many couples struggle with being time poor and finding time to do things that reduce their stress.  Instead, each person should set aside some time for this. It should be guilt-free time and recognised as good for the person and good for the relationship.  Remember that what works for one partner might be different to what the other needs. Exercise or ‘alone’ time might reduce stress for one of you, and socialising with friends might do it for the other.
   
   
7. Reduce commitments if they mean you don’t have enough time to recharge and manage your stress. Set some boundaries and agree as a couple what is a priority for you both right now to focus on. Many people struggle with self-care because they are over committed.
   
   
8. Take responsibility for your part in arguments. Apologise when you are wrong, acknowledge misunderstandings.  Agree on a reset on how you communicate when you are stressed.

When do you need professional relationship help?

Couples therapy can really help you identify communication problems.  The Couples Therapist should then provide you with skills and tools to communicate in a healthier way.  Couples therapy can also help you both identify what is causing stress in your relationship – and support you to make changes to reduce it.

Family therapy can help a couple with parenting issues including blended family dynamics and misalignment in parenting.  Family therapy can also help you both manage extended family stress.

All couples are impacted by stress at different times.  You can’t get away from stress unfortunately.  But if you take an ‘us against the stress’ approach, work on managing stress together, and communicate well, you can stay connected through even the most stressful times.

Couples counselling in Sydney CBD

Our specialist couples therapists can help you resolve repetitive conflict that has become too difficult to do alone. 

Couples therapy provides a space to better understand the underlying dynamics driving conflict which will help you rebuild your emotional connection.

If you are looking for couples counselling in Sydney CBD, please contact us here or call 02 8968 9397.  We also offer online sessions Australia wide.

Written by Jacqueline McDiarmid – not a bot.

About Jacqueline Jacqueline has been in private practice for more than two decades, helping individuals, couples and families.  She has extensive experience in couple and family therapy and is considered a specialist in these areas. In her clinical practice, she has helped people deal with complex trauma, affairs, complex mental health issues, eating disorders, adolescent behavioural problems (including self-harm and suicidal ideation), behavioural issues in young children which are impacting parents and families, relationship issues and post-separation work. Jacqueline works with many different dynamics: couples, parents, families with young children, same-sex couples, foster/adopted families, families with teenagers and also adult families.  She is particularly interested in helping parents of children with behavioural issues, or with diagnosed conditions such as anxiety, ADHD, ASD and so on. Although Jacqueline’s work is supportive and friendly, she will challenge her couples and families to make the necessary behavioural changes, to repair relationships and to move towards healthier communication styles in the future. Jacqueline’s style is direct and fast paced and she is known for quickly getting to the heart of the matter.  Clients report that they feel safe and understood with Jacqueline.

If you’re struggling in your relationship and need professional support, don’t wait. Complete the contact form and include a brief note describing your unique situation so Jacqueline McDiarmid or one of our experienced Couples Counsellors can best support you. You can also contact The Sydney Couple and Family Specialists directly on 02 8968 9397 to take the first step toward meaningful change today.