How to gain trust back in a relationship after lying is discovered – six steps

There are two types of lies that cause trust issues in relationships:

1. “Little” lies that happen often – “forgetting” to mention something, denial about putting the recycling in the wrong bin, saying that something’s been done when it hasn’t, lying about why you’re on your mobile, etc.
2. Big lies – affairs, gambling, visiting brothels, visiting porn sites, hiding drug or alcohol misuse, spending shared money without a partner’s knowledge, and so on.

Small lies may not seem so bad, but when they are constant, they can leave a partner feeling confused, gaslit, suspicious and wondering if they really know the other person.

The big lies are often called ‘betrayals’ by couples therapists because they breach a fundamental contract of relationship. When a partner discovers this betrayal and secretive behaviour, it usually prompts a crisis for the couple.

Everyone lies, but the constant ongoing deception behind little lies, and the betrayal of a big lie can both leave a partner feeling sick to the stomach.

Are lies a good enough reason to break up?

It depends – on the people involved, the level of damage caused by the lies, and what else is at stake in the relationship. Many people have come to me for couples relationship therapy in Sydney to work this out.

Not everyone hurt by their partner’s lying chooses to end the relationship. And sometimes, with the combination of truth-telling, apology and understanding why a lying has been happening, a relationship can survive lying. BUT, left unchecked, lying can cause harm and eroded trust, and it’s very hard to win that trust back.

If you are ready to learn how to regain trust in a relationship after lying, the following six steps can help.

Here are six steps that can help you regain trust after lying.

Step one – get the lie ‘story’ out into the open

Obtain the full story.  Ask your partner if they are willing to work on honesty.  If the lie belongs in the betrayal category it’s best to seek professional help with a couples therapist. Betrayals are traumatic when they are discovered and are a threat to the viability of the relationship. They bring up strong emotions for both parties, and dealing with these reactions with a trained therapist can prevent further harm.

Step two – understand what’s behind the lies

There are often underlying reasons for lies or betrayals.  Sometimes it’s a pattern of behaviour from a person’s family of origin and how they learnt to manage stress.  For other’s it’s a way to avoid conflict.

If they are constant lies, it’s worth asking your partner why they feel the need to lie – are they worried about consequences of honesty or is it that they just can’t stop lying?

By woking with with a couples therapist, you should be able to identify why these lies are showing up in your relationship.  Once you have an understanding of why lies are occurring, it’s easier to then work on the next steps.

Step three – name the impact of lies in your relationship

Resentment can be the biggest issue which prevents a couple from moving forward to repair their relationship after lying or a betrayal is discovered.

To reduce resentment, it’s important that the partner who has lied is able to take 100% responsibility for their lie and is able to validate their partner’s feelings and thoughts towards the lying. This can be difficult to do as most people are naturally defensive (which can easily move into conflict).  If you and your partner are struggling with this task – seek a couples therapist to help with this.

Step four – establish some ground rules

Set new boundaries  and agree on standards of transparency.  Agree on how you will question each other if you suspect a person is lying – work through this agreement with a couples therapist who can help you do this without defensiveness coming in.

Having some agreed rules creates a solid foundation for the ‘rebuild’ phase.  It tells the liar exactly what is expected of them, and it can help the wounded partner feel safer and more in control.

Step five – the trust phase

This is a hard on. How do you regain trust after lying? You practice. It will take time and consistency to rebuild trust. The person who has been lied to needs to see behavioural change from the partner who has lied. Not once, but over and over again.

Step six – beware of triggers

When we catch a person in a lie we often associate memories of where we were at the time and what we were doing.  These can then become triggers later when similar situations or enviroments occur.  Ensure you both talk openly about potential trigger situations and plan how you will manage these. It’s normal to have these triggers – it doesn’t mean your relationship is not viable.  However, triggers can cause conflict easily and be a set back for a couple if they are not managed well.

Conclusion

If you have a pattern of lies in your relationship, or a big betrayal has been discovered, couples relationship therapy in Sydney can help.

For a therapist, lies are particularly tricky to work with. There are layers of strong emotion involved. Shame, humiliation, anger, grief and more. There are often underlying factors which need to be explored and addressed (and these might have nothing to do with the relationship). And, in case you’re wondering, there are some people who are pathological liars – their lying is compulsive and stems from a personality disorder. They may need individual therapy or counselling.

In happier news, I have also seen many couples learn how to regain trust in a relationship after lying. It’s absolutely possible – and sometimes the insights and understanding gained help people build even stronger relationships.