How trauma impacts couple relationships and how couple therapy can help

We receive many enquiries from people wanting a trauma informed Couples’ Therapist to work with. These couples have typically tried couples counselling before, but still experience the same challenges (often repetitive) in their relationship.

This can be because they have been doing what we call “top level”  communication work in couples counselling, but haven’t done the deeper work of examining and understanding the impact of trauma.

What types of traumas have the biggest effect on relationships?

• Adverse childhood experiences – all types of abuse and neglect, living with a narcissistic parent, addictive parent or volatile parent/s. (The impact of growing up with high-conflict parents is often underestimated.)
• Bullying in childhood or adulthood.
• A childhood traumatic event – such as loss of a parent to an accident, witnessing a crime and so on.
• A traumatic event like a sexual assault, stalking, partner abuse from a previous relationship.

There are a lot more I could list, but you get the picture.

How do these sorts of traumas impact a couple’s relationship?

Trauma changes the brain.

The amygdala in our brain is responsible for processing emotions. It reacts with flight, fight, or freeze responses when a person is faced with a dangerous or stressful situation.

That response is usually short term, and things return to normal when the situation has passed.

But when a person experiences trauma, the amygdala responds so strongly that it can put a person into a chronic state of arousal. They stay in the flight, fright or freeze state even when the situation no longer warrants it. Some people become extremely anxious and over-sensitive to situations. Some people experience P.T.S.D. symptoms which can include flashbacks, nightmares, anger issues and/or low mood. Understandably, these symptoms impact their relationships, even with people they should feel safe with – like their partner.

So how do you know if trauma is impacting your relationship or marriage?  Start by looking at these commonly reported behaviours, and note any that apply.

• Regulation issues – your partner has a very strong response to small changes/challenges, and they struggle to ‘come down’ from the high emotion or calm themselves.
• Dissociation issues – your partner seems to disappear, emotionally or even physically. It’s as if they ‘vague out’ or go somewhere else. It might actually be their coping mechanism to manage times of acute stress/trauma.
• There’s a strong need to control the environment – they are anxious because something or someone isn’t in the right place or behaving how they expected. They get agitated over a seemingly innocuous decision or change.
• Difficulty in trusting other people and the world in general.
• Overeating or under eating.
• Jealously and high anxiety if you don’t respond to their messages or calls immediately.
• Addictive behaviours – including substance abuse, work addiction, gambling or sex addiction and so on.
• Intimacy issues.

For the person who has experienced trauma, it can be very difficult to sustain a secure emotional connection to a partner. They may struggle with attachment issues, trust issues and intimacy issues – all resulting from past traumatic experiences. It’s common for high levels of conflict to be present in relationships where one person lives with the impact of trauma.

As you can imagine, none of this is good for children. If the parents/carers don’t deal with their own trauma, they increase the risk of traumatising their kids.  

So, why don’t symptoms of trauma show up so strongly early in a relationship?  

There can be several reasons for this. Most people partner up quite young, when understanding how trauma impacts relationships is not top of mind. It can also be that impacts of historical trauma are not evident in a relationship until certain triggers or relationship milestones are reached e.g. birth of a child.

Sometimes I come across couples where both people have experienced trauma and are trying to manage this in their relationship. This can mean the partners have competing needs. The relationship can be chaotic and become toxic.

I also see people who choose the wrong partner because trauma is comfortable and familiar to them. This can result in ‘trauma bond’ which is a toxic relationship and can be difficult to get out of.

Is it possible for a couple to thrive if they are living with symptoms of trauma?  

Absolutely. Many people with a trauma past are also intelligent, insightful people who are willing to do the work to remain mentally healthy and functional.  It is an absolute delight to do couples therapy with these people. They are invested in the work, and the progress is very rewarding (to them and to their relationship therapist).

But success can depend on finding the right type of couples therapy to help you with the many aspects of trauma-related relationship work.

What type of couples therapy should you look for?

‘Trauma Informed’ couples therapy:-

This is vital. It means the therapist has completed trauma training as well as couples therapy training.  A ‘trauma informed’ therapist understands how trauma impacts the brain. They will know how to work carefully so the relationship improves – not gets worse. They may consider referring clients to other mental health specialists to supplement the couple’s therapy.

How do you know if your couple’s therapist is trauma informed? They will probably tell you on their website or in an initial conversation, but you should also ask them a few specific questions about their training and experience working with trauma.

Systemic Therapy:-

Systemic couples’ therapists are trained to understand patterns of behaviour across generations by examining genograms, family history and the family of origin story of both partners. This approach pulls in trauma, but in a manageable way. It’s a powerful way of working with a couple as it creates a deep understanding about where behaviours come from – which in turn can lead to behavioural changes and understanding between the couple. And kindness and compassion typically follow understanding.

Systemic couples’ therapy can also help you ensure you are not passing on negative cycles and patterns to future generations.

In my view, it’s vital you see someone who is systemically trained if one of you has a trauma past.  

Emotional Focused Therapy (EFT):-

Emotional Focused Therapy is also a valuable framework work for working with symptoms of trauma in a relationship.  This is because EFT’s lens is geared towards working with attachment styles. Work on attachment wounds can help a couple stay emotionally connected, build trust, work on conflict and regulation in the relationship.

Here are some things to consider before engaging a trauma informed Couples’ Therapist:-

• See someone experienced – not newly graduated.
• The Couples’ Therapist needs to have very good boundaries and be clear in their communication and expectations for appointments.
• The Couples’ Therapist needs to understand how to pace and monitor the work so that the couple are not overwhelmed.
• Sessions would be predictable and consistent. Not with big gaps in between.
• You should both feel safe and “held” by the Therapist and feel okay to give feedback if you are worried or concerned about the therapeutic process.
• The Couples’ Therapist does not (and should not) unpack the trauma which can be retraumatising for the person living with trauma.
• Ensure your Couples’ Therapist is not planning any extended leave before you commence the work.
• Ensure your Couples’ Therapist is available to work with you as a couple long term if you think you may need this.
• Ensure you find a Couples’ Therapist who is registered with either PACFA or the ACA, so you know you are seeing someone who abides by high ethical standards.

If you or your partner would like help to find a trauma informed couples therapist – please reach out to info@sydneycoupleandfamily.com – we are always happy to ensure people are seeing the right person.

Written by Jacqueline McDiarmid – not a bot.

About Jacqueline Jacqueline has been in private practice for more than two decades, helping individuals, couples and families.  She has extensive experience in couple and family therapy and is considered a specialist in these areas. In her clinical practice, she has helped people deal with complex trauma, affairs, complex mental health issues, eating disorders, adolescent behavioural problems (including self-harm and suicidal ideation), behavioural issues in young children which are impacting parents and families, relationship issues and post-separation work. Jacqueline works with many different dynamics: couples, parents, families with young children, same-sex couples, foster/adopted families, families with teenagers and also adult families.  She is particularly interested in helping parents of children with behavioural issues, or with diagnosed conditions such as anxiety, ADHD, ASD and so on. Although Jacqueline’s work is supportive and friendly, she will challenge her couples and families to make the necessary behavioural changes, to repair relationships and to move towards healthier communication styles in the future. Jacqueline’s style is direct and fast paced and she is known for quickly getting to the heart of the matter.  Clients report that they feel safe and understood with Jacqueline.

If you’re struggling in your relationship and need professional support, don’t wait. Complete the form above now and include a brief note describing your unique situation so Jacqueline McDiarmid or one of our experienced Couples Counsellors can best support you. You can also contact The Sydney Couple and Family Specialists directly on 02 8968 9397 to take the first step toward meaningful change today.