How to know when a marriage is really over

In nearly 30 years as a couple’s therapist, I have never seen it quite like this. A surprising number of people are coming to me for separation counselling because they are at the point of breaking up or actively seeking help to sepaate.

There are some really obvious issues that flag when ‘time’s up’ on a relationship.  They include affairs, addictions, physical and/or emotional abuse, and chronic conflict. Even then, separation is not easy – and a lot of clients need a couples therapist for help with the loss, transitions, and management of children.

But I’m also hearing from a lot of people who are not sure if their marriage or relationship is over and want help to figure it out.

Some say that it feels like they are living together but leading separate lives. They’re not arguing or fighting – because they just can’t be bothered any more. Other couples are living with constant, on ‘auto’ fighting and bickering.  In both instances, the couple might tell their therapist that some aspects of their relationship are still good. They might parent well together, have shared friends and interests, enjoy family activities and so on.

These are what couples therapists call ambivalent couples.

Their relationship problem is, “it’s too good to leave, but not good enough to stay”, or, “it’s not bad enough to leave, but not good enough to stay”.

And if they do split….?
I can tell you that many people benefit from separation and go on to have much healthier, happier lives.

But some regret it. They do not find greener grass. Some people lose more than they gain.

So how do you know if your marriage might be on the “over” side of the ledger?

If one or both of you are experiencing the following, it could be hard (but not impossible) to save the marriage/relationship.

• Probably the biggest indicator that a marriage is over is when there is contempt in the relationship.  This is when you just don’t like your partner anymore.  When contempt is there, there will also be a lack of respect which will show up in the way you talk to each other, consider each other and treat each other.
• You dread the time you have with your partner. You avoid being home when they are home. You set up activities that take you away from the relationship.
• No interest in physical affection. You don’t want to touch them, and you don’t want them to touch you. You definitely don’t want sex. Some people tell me that they even feel repulsed by the idea of their partner touching them.
• Lack of interest – you have no interest in your partner’s world. You really just can’t be bothered.
• Conflict – either you don’t care enough to fight any more, or there is chronic high conflict. It’s important to note that most couples do That’s normal. But it’s a problem when fighting is all you do, and becomes the main way you interact with each other.
• You no longer share life goals or values – you’re heading in significantly different directions. For instance, one of you wants to travel the world and the other wants to hunker down in a country town.

The above are feelings that are really difficult to come back from without both people really doing the work – and you both have to really want to do the work.

But what if you’re in a marriage where the things above aren’t really issues, but you are missing and wanting that “in love” feeling or a sense of excitement about your relationship?

How can you save the good things in your relationship – and maybe even save the relationship itself?

• Firstly, you really do need to see the right Couples Therapist – someone who is a relationship specialist with appropriate training. Look for people who work with the Emotionally Focused framework as well as Systemic Therapy. The attachment lens can also be very helpful here.
• Ditch the expectations around being “in love”. Sorry, but you aren’t going to get that feeling back. The “in love” feeling in a relationship is usually the stage where lots of lovely chemicals are released (look up limerence) and whilst it feels great, it’s not the mature part of the relationship or marriage. Your aim should be deep love, connection and attachment. Accept this.  Move on.
• Bring some energy back into your relationship. Dates nights are not going to be enough to do this if you are considering separation. Work on a shared interest together – ideally something fun or meaningful.
• Mix it up. People get bored. Maybe one or both of you need to change something or bring something new or interesting to the relationship (and no, that does not mean a third person). Start a new interest, study something, update a room in your home, go visit a place neither of you have ever been, and for goodness’ sake get rid of that old dressing gown you’re slobbing around in.
• Discuss your future relationship goals. And set some relationship goals.  Every long term couple need a shared relationship goal.
• Look at your mental health and seek help if this is also causing issues.  I have seen a few people over the years who have actually being struggling with depression which has confused their feelings towards their partner.
• An obvious one but many couples don’t do it. Make time to talk.  Not talk about functional things – but talk about concerns, worries, fears, what brings you joy – this is a good way to increase intimacy.

If you are seriously thinking of ending your marriage, it’s worth working through the above list and implementing as much as you can – and also finding yourselves a good couples therapist. (Couples therapy is a lot cheaper than divorce and therefore worth doing.)

The other option is to do nothing.  Sometimes couples do nothing until their children have left home.  Some choose to accept the situation and stay in the relationship forever.

My vote? Life is too short, and there are really significant consequences of ending a partnership or marriage (especially if there are children involved). If you’re seriously considering a split, at least do some work with your partner to see if you can reduce your feelings of dissatisfaction or disconnection. I have worked with a lot of couples who have gone on to have very happy and strong marriages after doing this work

Footnote – Therapy frameworks to look for in complex couple work:

Emotionally Focused Therapy
Systemic Theory
Internal Family Systems