How do you stay connected as a couple after your baby arrives?

In this blog I am showcasing one particular practitioner at the Sydney Couple and Family Specialists. Denny Maclaine. Denny has over 25 years helping couples manage the change in life and relationships that occur when a baby arrives. She has supported couples dealing with post-natal depression, the loss of a baby, and the challenges of managing the impacts on a couple’s relationship when they become parents.

The arrival of a baby should be a joyful time, right?  It is.  But it can also be a highly stressful, emotional and confusing time.

If you and your partner have become parents – for the first time or again – and you notice your relationship is strained, or that conflict seems high, here are some common reasons why:-

• Exhaustion and overwhelm. This can lead to short fuses, feeling isolated and conflict erupting over seemingly small concerns.
• Different parenting expectations – e.g. you didn’t expect your partner would work late after the baby came along (this is a common resentment I come across).
• Mental load and perhaps resentment as unequal workloads in the home play out.
• Each partner feeling unappreciated and unseen by the other, whether you are in paid work outside of the home or unpaid work in the home.
• Intimacy changes – it’s very hard to maintain intimacy when you are tired, stressed, and worried.
• Pressures and expectations from extended family members and/or your circle of friends.

If even one of those things is going on for a couple who are sleep-deprived and feeling out of their depth, it’s very easy for disconnection and conflict to affect their relationship.

So, what can you do to look after your relationship after a small, gorgeous, and noisy human arrives and steals your heart and hours of sleep?  Here are a few things I recommend all new parents do:

• Make a time once a week for ‘family business’. Note that I did not say ‘baby business’. It’s time to discuss the division of jobs in the household, and ways you can both get some rest and time out. Consider getting in some extra support. That might mean a cleaner, a mother-in-law (put a time limit and boundaries on this), or a bunch of pre-made home-delivered meals. Schedule your ‘family business’ meeting once a week at a time when the baby is sleeping, but ideally not late at night when you are both tired.
• It is important to have weekly conversations about functional tasks because babies change all the time – and it’s likely your weeks will change too.
• Relationship time – make a time once a week to discuss your relationship and how to stay connected. Many people make assumptions about their partner, which can lead to unmet expectations and hurt.  If you need help with communication which involves intimacy, seeing a Couples Therapist like Denny Maclaine is vital.
• Say one thing a day to show appreciation to your partner. You are both doing a lot and a lot of it is new. You both need positive feedback and encouragement to keep going, especially through the first year or so. Many new parents suffer from a loss of confidence and even identity. Look after each other and help each other through it.
• Do a 10-minute check-in with each other at the end of the day – with phones away and screens off.
• Share a 20 second hug once a day. Some new parents struggle with the idea of sex following childbirth and are worried there might be an expectation of hugs turning to sex.  Be clear with your expectations and what you need when it comes to physical contact. Make a time to discuss this and set out some ground rules. I know you’ll want to hold your lovely baby, but it’s a different type of physical affection to a partner’s hug.
• Try to find time in the week so each parent has some time out just for yourself. I always encourage new parents to immediately look at who can help with some childcare.

How do you know if you should see a Couples Therapist? Here are some ‘red flags’ that indicate you should consider therapy:

• If you think one of you is showing symptoms of post-natal depression or anxiety, attend to it as soon as possible. Don’t wait to see someone who is trained to recognise symptoms and support both parents. There can be lasting damage to a relationship if post-natal depression or anxiety are missed or dismissed (and I know of cases where inexperienced couple’s therapists have missed the signs). Book to see a therapist like Denny Maclaine who has vast experience working with post-natal depression.
• Escalating conflict – there is niggling conflict and then there is escalating conflict which can be quite damaging for the couple and also the new baby. Babies pick up stress from their parents and then become stressed themselves. Please seek help with a Couples Therapist if this is you two.
• One or both of you feel disconnected and avoid physical contact.
• One or both of you are increasingly resentful. This might be about differences in parenting values, extended family, division of labour in the home or even grief for the loss of the relationship you had before the baby arrived.

It’s important to know that most couples struggle with the transition to parenthood and feel acutely the impacts on their relationship. There’s no shame in admitting that this transition is hard, and seeking professional help. If left unchecked, issues like emotional disconnection, increasing conflict and post-natal depression can fester – and even lead to separation.

But a reassuring, non-judgemental therapist like Denny can get you back on track, and teach you ways to communicate better, deal with problems (without conflict), and even be more connected than before. You’ll benefit and so will your growing family.

Written by Jacqueline McDiarmid not a robot.

PS: Here’s a little more about Denny Maclaine: Denny has over 25 years experience working with mothers who are experiencing post-natal depression as well as couples who are new parents.  Denny is particularly skilled at helping couples navigate through communication breakdowns, chronic conflict and couples who have lost their joy and vitality in their relationship. Clients report Denny is warm and thoughtful and provides clear direction.  Clear direction is important when you are sleep deprived!

Denny is also a parent herself of two teenage boys.  She gets how hard parenting is.

If you would like to book into see Denny please contact us on (02) 8968 9397