Does Couple Therapy work if my partner is a Narcissist?

First, I just want to say I am not here to diagnose Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD).  I hear the term “narcissist” thrown around rather a lot in my couple and family therapy work. I can’t tell you the number of times I have been asked, “Is my partner a narcissist?”.  Or heard, “My ex is a narcissist.” Or, “I feel like my family are all narcissists.”  People can have traits of NDP, but it doesn’t mean they are narcissistic personality disordered. It’s also not the role of a Couple and Family Therapist to diagnose this.

However, I do see couples where one person shows definite traits of narcissism. This can make couples therapy extra challenging and sometimes just not doable.

So how do you spot a narcissist – or at least a person with narcissistic tendencies?

In relationships, partners who are suspected of being narcissistic are usually people who:

• find it difficult to take criticism
• are likely to attack if criticised
• can be really charming, but lack empathy or consideration for their partner
• are attention-seeking
• show little or no remorse when they hurt others.

How does narcissistic behaviour affect partners?

Partners of a narcissistic person will report “walking on eggshells” around the other person. They might appear intimidated and even frightened of their partner in couples therapy. I might see that these people have low confidence and poor self-esteem. They often have a sense that they’re in a toxic relationship, but don’t feel strong enough to leave, or are confused about their own role in the relationship.  They may wonder if they are the one who is the main cause of relationship problems (narcissists do a fair bit of gaslighting).

Can couples therapy help if your partner is a narcissist?

Not all, but some narcissists are abusive emotionally, verbally or physically.  Safety considerations need to be assessed prior to the commencement of couples therapy to ensure the other partner is going to be safe after sessions. There is a risk that couples therapy might enrage the narcissist, leading to an escalation of abuse.

If you suspect you are in a relationship with a narcissist and there is abusive behaviour toward you or others in the family, I recommend seeking individual therapy first to help you work out if it is safe to commence couples therapy.  An experienced relationship therapist should be able to offer you solid guidance on this issue.

If, however, there is no known violence or danger, couples therapy is a good option. Choose your couples therapist carefully.  Again, it’s important that they have plenty of experience and know how to work with narcissistic traits.

An experienced couples therapist won’t tell you your partner is narcissistic personality disordered, but they will pick up the traits very quickly and have some insight into what they mean for your relationship.

Here are a few challenges the couples therapist faces when one person is showing narcissistic traits:-

The narcissist:

• dominates sessions
• is argumentative with both their partner and the therapist
• often presents as charming – until challenged
• presents as highly intelligent, but the therapist may have a feeling of being manipulated
• often intimidating to both the partner and the couples therapist
• might criticise the therapist after the session (particularly if the therapist has challenged them or appears unaffected by their charm).

The partner:

• will appear subservient in sessions
• may be reluctant or even afraid to speak or challenge their partner.
• may even contact the couples therapist and ask them not to talk about specific topics or disagree with their partner during therapy (this has happened to me many times – with clients fearing their partner may storm out and refuse to come back to therapy).

Can couples therapy achieve anything?

When I run training for couples therapists, I am often asked this. “If one person can’t be challenged and the other person doesn’t speak openly, how on earth can you get anywhere?”

The honest answer is – it’s hard. But there are many positive outcomes if the couples therapist is able to recognise the narcissistic traits and work with them not against them.

Ever wondered how a couples therapist would work with a narcissistic person and their partner?  Here are seven considerations a good, experienced couples therapist will make in the work.

1. Safety

Both for the couple and the therapist. Once a couples therapist spots narcissistic behaviour, they typically think about safety first.  This is because some people (not all though) can be violent or abusive.

If a couples therapist suspects abuse they will typically separate the couple for an individual session each to provide each person some privacy away from their partner to disclose anything like abusive behaviour.

2. Balance in the session

The couples therapist will understand that the narcissistic client won’t tolerate sessions if their partner is given a lot of airtime to talk about grievances.

Unfortunately, more time does need to be given to the narcissistic partner in sessions. Although balance is compromised, it’s a necessary compromise to keep the narcissist engaged in the process and give couples therapy a chance. Typically, it’s the non-narcissist who wants the couples therapy and typically, it’s the narcissist who is more likely to bail.

3. Validating and Praising

Narcissists love been praised and validated.  And this is also crucial to helping the narcissistic partner to settle and stay in a challenging environment i.e. a relationship therapy session.  Couples therapists understand a narcissistic person needs to be praised and validated to hold them in couples therapy.

4. Careful timing of interventions 

A skilled couples therapist will think carefully about the right time for interventions which may challenge the narcissistic partner. As a couples therapist I understand that if my timing is not right i.e. the narcissistic person is not in the right mood, I can risk repercussions for the non-narcissistic partner.  If you see a couples therapist who forges ahead with interventions, there is a good chance they have not recognised the narcissistic traits in your partner.

5. Careful language

Make sure you see a couples therapist who uses language and tone of voice that is non-threatening.  They should be able to frame discussion and even feedback in a way that does not directly criticise the narcissist.

6. Work on safe issues

If you are worried that your couples therapist won’t be able to handle your narcissistic partner, try bringing up easy or safe issues at the start of the process. Remember that you have some control over how the sessions proceed, and you know your partner better than the therapist does. Be firm with the therapist if you need to.

7. Slow pace

It is better for a couples therapist to work slowly and steadily when one of the clients has narcissistic tendencies.  Again, choose a therapist who appears to recognise the need to do this.

Final thoughts from a couples therapist

I have worked with many couples where one person is clearly narcissistic.  I have not always enjoyed this work, but equally, there are times when it has been enjoyable. That has happened when I have found a way to manage pace and interventions so they work for both people in the room.

And, just to provide some hope if you are in a relationship with someone narcissistic, I want you to know that relationship therapy can help you. The changes in your relationship might be more modest than you hope, but with the right couples therapist you can experience improvements in your relationship dynamic, more alignment with parenting, and better communication. The therapy experience might also help you decide whether you want to stay or leave your relationship.

Couples counselling in Sydney CBD

Our specialist couples therapists can help you resolve repetitive conflict that has become too difficult to do alone. Couples therapy provides a space to better understand the underlying dynamics driving conflict which will help you rebuild your emotional connection. If you are looking for couples counselling in Sydney CBD, please contact us here or call 02 8968 9397.  We also offer online sessions Australia wide.

Written by Jacqueline McDiarmid – not a bot.

About Jacqueline Jacqueline has been in private practice for more than two decades, helping individuals, couples and families.  She has extensive experience in couple and family therapy and is considered a specialist in these areas. In her clinical practice, she has helped people deal with complex trauma, affairs, complex mental health issues, eating disorders, adolescent behavioural problems (including self-harm and suicidal ideation), behavioural issues in young children which are impacting parents and families, relationship issues and post-separation work. Jacqueline works with many different dynamics: couples, parents, families with young children, same-sex couples, foster/adopted families, families with teenagers and also adult families.  She is particularly interested in helping parents of children with behavioural issues, or with diagnosed conditions such as anxiety, ADHD, ASD and so on. Although Jacqueline’s work is supportive and friendly, she will challenge her couples and families to make the necessary behavioural changes, to repair relationships and to move towards healthier communication styles in the future. Jacqueline’s style is direct and fast paced and she is known for quickly getting to the heart of the matter.  Clients report that they feel safe and understood with Jacqueline.

If you’re struggling in your relationship and need professional support, don’t wait. Complete the contact form and include a brief note describing your unique situation so Jacqueline McDiarmid or one of our experienced Couples Counsellors can best support you. You can also contact The Sydney Couple and Family Specialists directly on 02 8968 9397 to take the first step toward meaningful change today.