Q. What causes high conflict in a relationship? A. It’s mostly about differences in values.

There are many different reasons high conflict can be present in a relationship.

The one I want to discuss here today is very common with couples who come to Sydney Couple and Family Specialists looking for marriage or couples counselling. It’s a difference in values.

Your values affect how you see yourself, how you see the world, and how you make decisions. A significant difference in how two people manage these things can cause a lot of friction in their marriage or partnership, and it gets even tricker when children come along.

Here a few of the big value differences I see in my work with couples:-

Extended family and friends

Friends and social life expectations can really show up values differences between a couple.  Think about the introvert who likes to spend a lot of “just us” time, in a relationship verses someone who loves to be surrounded by “the more the merrier!” There’s no right or wrong here – just different ideas and values which can cause conflict and resentment over time, especially if the couple is time-poor (and let’s face it, hardly any couples in Sydney have an abundance of spare time).

Perhaps the bigger value issue I see which causes the most conflict in a relationship is varying expectations about contact and influence from extended family. Parenting support from grandparents can feel like an intrusion for one person – and just be part of normal family life for the other. Expectations for big family get-togethers can feel too much for some partners.  The “advice” or influence of a well-meaning family member can cause major conflict.

Children can intensify this situation – some people want to be closer to their extended family when children come along, and others really don’t. They’d rather spend increasingly precious time with their partner – not a horde of relatives. There can also be cultural differences to navigate.

 Parenting differences

Many couples just don’t have enough in-depth conversations prior to becoming parents about what values are important to them as future parents.  Is a private school important to one of you but an absolute “no way” from the other parent?  Do you have the same views and ideas about discipline?  Phone/screen usage?  What about possible medical or mental health concerns – how will you each approach this?

A big one is who comes first – the relationship between the couple, or the needs (and wants) of the children?

Time: what/who should be prioritised in a relationship or family?

You may assume your partner will know (by reading the crystal ball you have in your relationship) how to demonstrate love and care to you. Unfortunately, everyone has slightly different values about where time should be spent.

Is work more important than relationships?  Should family time be prioritised over work and earning power?  Couple time verses time with children – who really should come first? Individual pursuits like golf can take up a lot of time away from a partner and family – is this really going to be okay in your relationship going forward?  All these questions are worth investigating because they can cause a lot of conflict in a marriage or partnership.

Money

Even if money isn’t identified as the primary reason a couple comes to therapy, it very often comes up in discussions.

A common “hot topic” in couples counselling is the issue of shared money verses separate money.  There can be differences of opinion (actually, it’s differences in values) around spending behaviour.  Gambling and misuse of drugs/alcohol lead to financial stress, and sadly, it’s not uncommon for one partner to complain that they have no visibility of family finances. This is unacceptable.

Money is power in a relationship, and unless you are on the same page about how that power will be shared, you can end up in serious conflict.

Housework and mental load

Oh, I wish I had a dollar for all the arguments I have heard about life admin, housework and the mental load that one partner typically carries.  I don’t even need to explain this one – if you are in a relationship, I am sure you can relate. This stuff might seem trivial, but it has an insidious ability to eat away at the goodwill in a relationship and lead to toxic behaviour and conflict.

 What can we do about value differences?

There are a number of things you can do if you suspect you have value differences in your relationship.  Here are a few of them:-

• Pre-marriage or commitment course. It’s really worth doing one of these courses to work through your values before making a big commitment like marriage, having children together or even buying a home together.  You will see fairly quickly if there is a possible future problem. And it’s far cheaper than a divorce or other legal action.  Here is a one here.
• It’s also worth doing a parenting course once children arrive (or beforehand). There is nothing like a third party with professional ideas on parenting to settle a few parenting disagreements between a couple.

If you continue to have trouble with conflict around co-parenting, then seek professional help with either a couple’s counsellor who has parenting skills, or a Family Therapist.

• Discuss the expectations you both have for extended family in your life – ideally before you make a commitment to each other. Sometimes issues with extended family do not come up until children arrive, so be sure to cover this off. If you feel caught in the middle of your partner and family (theirs or yours), it’s really time to get professional help – Family Therapy is my recommendation for this situation.
• Agree on behaviours and expectations around your social life. This again is worth discussing and coming up with a plan that feels respectful to both people. Often things go wrong because the extrovert makes plans without consultation.  Consultation is key.
• If you have differences in values when it comes to money, I suggest the first step is to sit down, and go through your financial situation and shared goals together.

I often find when I work with couples who are arguing about spending, that one person oversees the finances and the other is “in the dark”.  If a person is in denial or dark about the finances, they are more likely to keep spending, causing anxiety for the other person. It works better if both of you have full visibility, and shared responsibility.

If you don’t agree on how money is managed between you both as a couple or one person doesn’t have access to all accounts, then this is a serious enough problem to access couples counselling.  In fact, withholding finances and information about finances is a form of abuse in a relationship.

• Differences in housework expectations? Again, set aside time for a discussion.  Some partners genuinely don’t know what is really expected of them so setting out action items in concrete terms can really help.  Outsourcing can also help (such as getting a cleaner and/or getting your children to do some age-appropriate chores around the home). And then well it’s acceptance (or not).
• Mental load complaints are a big one for the partner who carries the heaviest load. Sometimes one partner is just better at this job.  I talk to couples about portfolios they can each own.  For example, one parent may carry the load of homework and school support while the other partner’s portfolio is activities or appointments.  Couples counselling can help you work out your portfolios which plays to each person’s strengths.

Sometimes value differences can be a deal breaker.  Especially after children come along or as people age and want different things in their lives.  That can be okay too but at least try and prevent this occurring by not committing to a person whose values are wildly different to yours.  You can’t make someone change their values (and then behaviour) unless they want to.

If you do want to try and align your values, stop fighting and start discussions instead.  The key to resolving value differences is understanding why and where they come from.  Understanding leads to compromise and change.

And finally – my one piece of practical advice I give to all my couples is have these discussions when you have set aside time for them without any distractions.  You need to be not tired, not hungry, not preoccupied with children, cooking or work.  And definitely not with alcohol.  That way you are likely to have a productive conversation – not an argument.

About Jacqueline Jacqueline has been in private practice for more than two decades, helping individuals, couples and families.  She has extensive experience in couple and family therapy and is considered a specialist in these areas. In her clinical practice, she has helped people deal with complex trauma, affairs, complex mental health issues, eating disorders, adolescent behavioural problems (including self-harm and suicidal ideation), behavioural issues in young children which are impacting parents and families, relationship issues and post-separation work. Jacqueline works with many different dynamics: couples, parents, families with young children, same-sex couples, foster/adopted families, families with teenagers and also adult families.  She is particularly interested in helping parents of children with behavioural issues, or with diagnosed conditions such as anxiety, ADHD, ASD and so on. Although Jacqueline’s work is supportive and friendly, she will challenge her couples and families to make the necessary behavioural changes, to repair relationships and to move towards healthier communication styles in the future. Jacqueline’s style is direct and fast paced and she is known for quickly getting to the heart of the matter.  Clients report that they feel safe and understood with Jacqueline.