Couples Counselling to Increase Connection in your Relationship

Do you feel closer to your children or work colleagues than you do to your partner?

Does your spouse or partner feel like someone who just happens to live in the same home as you?

How long has it been since you and your partner kissed? Not just a peck but a proper, intimate, fully engaged kiss?

Hmm.

At Sydney Couple and Family Specialists, we see a lot of people who need couples counselling because they’re in crisis or are constantly fighting.

And then those couples who have lost their connection along the way – and really want to get it back.

Losing connection with someone you thought would be “the love of my life” can lead to feelings of grief, loneliness or dissatisfaction.  It can break a relationship.

It often happens at a life transition stage.  Life transitions are the significant changes or stages in our lives – meeting a partner, having a child, children becoming adolescents, menopause, retirement, old age.

All these stages are a challenge to relationships. Some couples navigate their way through the stages well together, others hobble along hoping for the best, and some find themselves staring at their partner wondering what on earth has happened.

And that’s why we see them at couples counselling, asking for help to regain their connection or rekindle their love.

There are many things you can do to increase connection with your partner – and they don’t always require a couples counsellor.  Here are some of them:

• Many couples who are in long-term relationships simply forget that they need to put the time into their relationships. It’s not that hard. Go for a walk together (if you have a dog, take the dog for a walk together), watch a series together, go on a date. Please note: doing any of these things with your face in your phones will not deepen your connection.
• Go to bed at the same time and/or get up at the same time. Take just a minute to have a cuddle.
• Address each other physically when you say hello and goodbye. A hug, kiss etc will make a big difference to connection.  Don’t forget to do it.
• Make time to talk about new goals and dreams. Not just functional conversations.  I recommend that couples schedule this in otherwise it just won’t happen. Once a week is my prescription.
• Look at each other. In the eyes. For a long time.
• Hold hands.
• Six second kiss – really does work for helping with connection.
• Express gratitude. Saying thank you for all the things your partner does is great for improving connection.
• Fun – go have it. I bet when you got together with your partner you did lots of fun stuff together.  Make a list of fun stuff, and do it. Have a laugh together.
• Too many people I see in couples counselling have a stronger connection to their devices than their partners. Get off the devices and engage.  Agree on some time limits or behaviours about device use – such as or no phones while you’re having meals together.

And here are some ‘lost connection issues’ that probably could use help from a trained and experienced couples counsellor: 

• Deal with resentments. Many couples I see say they don’t feel connected because there is underlying resentment that has not been addressed. Couples therapy can help you identify and explore those resentments in a safe environment. A good counsellor will help you manage this process in a way that reduces harmful conflict.
• Working on toxic or unhealthy communication will really help with connection. It’s amazing what can happen when couples understand the patterns (and deep ruts) that their communication styles have created.
• Ensure you are respectful to your partner in your tone of voice, body language and what you say. If you or your partner have an issue with anger, or behaviours like ‘stonewalling’, like seek couples counselling to address this.

If you’ve lost connection in your marriage or partnership, please know that it is possible to get it back – and feel like you are in an active and meaningful relationship once again.

But don’t just leave poor or broken connection. Do something about it now.

Time will keep marching on, and life will keep throwing issues that need urgent attention at you. You don’t want to wake up  – in one year, two years or five years – and realise that your connection has deteriorated beyond the point of no return.

If you would like help to deepen your connection in your relationship, please contact us today.

About Jacqueline Jacqueline has been in private practice for more than two decades, helping individuals, couples and families.  She has extensive experience in couple and family therapy and is considered a specialist in these areas. In her clinical practice, she has helped people deal with complex trauma, affairs, complex mental health issues, eating disorders, adolescent behavioural problems (including self-harm and suicidal ideation), behavioural issues in young children which are impacting parents and families, relationship issues and post-separation work. Jacqueline works with many different dynamics: couples, parents, families with young children, same-sex couples, foster/adopted families, families with teenagers and also adult families.  She is particularly interested in helping parents of children with behavioural issues, or with diagnosed conditions such as anxiety, ADHD, ASD and so on. Although Jacqueline’s work is supportive and friendly, she will challenge her couples and families to make the necessary behavioural changes, to repair relationships and to move towards healthier communication styles in the future. Jacqueline’s style is direct and fast paced and she is known for quickly getting to the heart of the matter.  Clients report that they feel safe and understood with Jacqueline.