There are different kinds of ‘betrayal’ in relationships. A betrayal is typically a secret behaviour – a partner doesn’t know it’s happening. It’s also a betrayal if it goes against the mutually agreed rules or ‘contract’ of the relationship.
Addictions, gambling and accessing pornography are examples of betrayal. The really big one is infidelity.
Betrayal can cause devastating injury to a relationship. It can lead to ongoing contempt, resentment and mistrust. It can result in separation.
Most couples who come to me for betrayal therapy want help to understand why it happened in the first place, and to minimise the lasting damage on the relationship and everyone impacted (including children).
I am going to discuss the common themes I see when I work with cheating and affairs:
What is the difference between cheating and affairs?
Cheating is usually an impulsive short-term infidelity. Often a regrettable mistake. And usually without much emotional substance – sex or physical contact is the main driver for cheating.
Cheating is a lot easier for the injured partner to make sense of in a relationship. Although deeply impactful, it doesn’t feel as personal as an affair.
An affair is an emotional commitment, sometimes involving sex and sometimes not. It is an intentional act and often long term. Some affairs I see in my work have gone on for five years or more. There are high levels of deception involved, and most people tell me the focus of the affair is emotional fulfilment.
Some couples I see initially present with cheating as the primary problem, only to discover that the partner did not just cheat – but has actually engaged in a lengthy affair, and may have even made promises or commitments to the third party.
Both the injured partner and the “other person” can understandably have feelings of revenge and rage. If they act on these feelings, there can be even more devastation for all involved.
Why do people cheat?
• Alcohol or drugs are a factor – inhibitions drop and the substances can be around at the same time as an opportunity to cheat, at a work party for instance.
• Impulsivity issues – a lot of people I see who have cheated multiple times have an ADHD diagnosis. They do impulsive things in the moment.
• Sex addiction.
• A dopamine hit for the cheater – it feels good at the time.
• Narcissistic traits – a strong sense of entitlement, with little or no regard for their partner.
Treatment for cheaters:
• Betrayal therapy – for the couple (together), and separately for the cheater.
• Treatment for any underlying mental health or impulsivity issues.
• Abstinence from alcohol and drugs if these are triggers.
• Sex addiction support groups like SLAA – https://www.slaa.org.au/
It is important that the injured partner also seek individual therapy to work out what their limits are in the relationship. There can be many complicated reasons an injured person chooses to stay or separate from a cheating partner, and professional help is vital to work through these.
Why do people have affairs?
• Alcohol and drug use – particularly at workplaces; this can lead to crossing the line from friendship to an affair.
• Affairs can be a stress release – the stress might be at home, at work, or both.
• A lot of affairs start at major transition times for a couple. The arrival of a baby or a second child, for instance. Why? Because one partner may suddenly have less time or emotional availability if their priority is the child or children.
• A lack of sex life or intimacy in the relationship that leads to one person looking for these things outside the relationship.
• Feeling lonely and not validated in the relationship can lead a person to seek an affair.
• Lack of emotional connection between the couple – a lot of couples affected by an affair say they had stopped communicating meaningfully.
Treatment for people who have affairs:
• Individual therapy to understand the underlying reason they had an affair.
• Betrayal therapy with their partner to work on ground rules and boundaries.
• Abstinence from alcohol and drugs if these are triggers.
• Mental health assessment and treatment if this is a factor that has contributed to the affair.
• Work to identify triggers that may lead a person to seek an affair (or cheat), and tools provided to manage these triggers.
• Work to improve communication in the relationship – a lot of couples I see where an affair has occurred do not know how to talk about their feelings or thoughts.
• Betrayal therapy to work on aspects of intimacy for the couple.
Can a couple survive an affair?
It really depends on how motivated each person is to make behavioural changes in the relationship to deepen their connection. A lot of couples do the work and stay together and rebuild their relationship. However, some do the work and decide they just can’t stay together – often because one or both of them don’t feel emotionally safe enough to continue. This outcome shouldn’t be regarded as a failure. It’s a choice that’s been made after consideration and exploration of the possibilities.
The longer a betrayal goes on, the more difficult it is for the injured partner to reconcile any behavioural changes or feel any type of relationship safety.
There are a number of significant considerations for the couple when it comes to the decision to separate or stay together. Children are usually the biggest factor, as well as financial impacts and religious and cultural expectations. This is why it’s important to obtain professional betrayal therapy rather than push forward on your own. Friends and family will all have a view, but they won’t live with the fallout like the couple will.
Final thoughts:
Some of the ‘betrayers’ I see at Sydney Couple and Family Specialists have narcissistic traits and little regard for their partner or doing the work in betrayal therapy. Sadly, this quickly becomes obvious to the injured partner.
However, I also see a lot of people who have very treatable underlying reasons for why they did what they did. It’s important to work out what these underlying reasons are.
It’s a complicated and confusing time. If you are not sure how to move forward, do the betrayal therapy because the process itself will give you each time to process what has occurred and whether you think you need to separate or work to stay together.
If you would like to know more about how betrayal therapy works, please read an earlier blog here.
If you’re struggling in your relationship and need professional support, don’t wait. Complete the form above now and include a brief note describing your unique situation so Jacqueline McDiarmid or one of our experienced Couples Counsellors can best support you. You can also contact The Sydney Couple and Family Specialists directly on 02 8968 9397 to take the first step toward meaningful change today.