Raising resilient children who can tackle their own challenges is something we all strive for as parents. But how do we also ensure they seek our advice if they encounter a difficult problem or they feel anxious about something? Or, in their teen years, they find themselves swayed by peer pressure and taking risks that might result in serious trouble?
The foundations of an open, supportive relationship starts when children are toddlers and remains an ongoing project right through to late adolescence. The basic rule is that children are more likely to talk to you about their problems if they know they will be heard and supported, not judged or criticised.
You won’t be able to influence them if you dismiss their concerns, or you are always trying to muscle your point across.
Unfortunately, I see a number of parents and children in my family therapy practice where communication has broken down. I often get a call when something big has happened and a secret has been uncovered, leaving the parents feeling shocked and hurt.
I work closely with parents and carers to help them develop good listening skills while also maintaining their role as boundary-setting parents.
Here are some dos and don’ts to follow if you want your child to turn to you for advice. Dos
Be available when your child wants to talk. Key times of the day for a conversation are during breakfast, when they arrive home from school, driving in the car, at the family dinner table, and in their bedroom as you say goodnight.
Be aware of your child’s attempts to make a connection with you. Sometimes these attempts are subtle, such as them casually expressing an interest in something you are doing, or coming into the living room and sighing. Ask a simple question like: “What’s happening?”
Be real. Speak to children in a normal, calm voice. This shows you take them seriously and you have the emotional composure needed to help them with their problems.
Have a mental map of what your child is doing throughout the day so you can ask specific, open-ended questions such as: “What happened on the excursion to the science lab today?”, rather than the standard boring question: “How was school?”
Teach your children about emotions by listening carefully to what they say and make an informed guess about how they feel. Say something like: “It sounds like you are feeling hurt” or “I wonder if you are feeling a bit angry about that”. This will show you are open to their emotions, even the negative ones.
Practice problem solving together so they understand you respect their opinion, and you are someone to turn to if a problem arises. Break problems into manageable parts and talk through the pros and cons of different solutions.
Ask questions, but don’t overdo it. If every interaction feels like a grilling, your child might hesitate to share.
If your child tells you something alarming, stay calm as best you can and gather your thoughts before responding. Take a few breaths if needed. Measured responses are better than panicked ones.
Don’ts
Don’t give the impression you are always too busy with work or overwhelmed with domestic duties. Or, worse, constantly distracted on your phone! Your child will assume there isn’t room in your world for their concerns.
If your child approaches you with a concern, never ask “What’s wrong?” as this can sound like something is wrong with them and is more likely to elicit a defensive response. Ask “What’s happening?”.
Don’t dismiss your child’s feelings or ideas as “silly” or “childish”. This teaches them that some topics are shameful to talk about.
Don’t tell your child “not to worry” about something when they are clearly showing they are anxious. Dismissing feelings teaches a child not to trust their gut instinct. Instead, get them to talk about why they are worried, acknowledge their fears, and then, if needed, help them to identify reasons why their worry might be out of proportion.
Don’t allow strong emotions to go unaddressed. It is healthy for your child to express strong feelings such as anger and sadness, but they need help to regulate these emotions and resolve problems.
Don’t immediately jump into telling stories about your own childhood. While this can help to normalise what your child is feeling, it can also sound like you are dismissing their own experiences or not listening attentively.
Sometimes kids don’t want to talk, and that’s okay. If you pressure them to open up, they might feel hesitant to come to you.
Don’t be too hard on yourself. Research by emotion coaching specialists Gottman and Declaire* shows that parents should aim to get communication right about 40% of the time.
Keeping it going through adolescence
The arrival of the teen years brings a new set of communication challenges for parents. The child who once thought you knew everything about the world, now thinks you’re decidedly uninformed and uncool.
This is the time when children naturally start to look outside the family for guidance and confide more in their peers, but we still want them to come to us if something goes wrong or they need advice.
If the foundations of a supportive relationship are already in place, the teen years will be an easier job. Here are a few tips to keep communication lines open:
Know the names of your teen’s friends and ask about what is happening in their lives. Showing a non-judgemental interest in your child’s wider circle will encourage them to let you into that circle.
If your teen tells you about someone who has let them down or is making them angry, avoid siding with that person immediately (even if it is a teacher). This comes across as disloyal. Once the conversation has progressed, you might be able to explore why the other person is behaving in this way, but not before.
Avoid chatting with your teen by text or instant messaging only. Teens can feel awkward and like to hide behind a screen. But conversations about real issues and emotions should be held face-to-face as it teaches your teen how to interact at a personal level and it settles their nervous systems (and yours!). Never argue with your teen over text.
Ask their opinion before jumping in to give advice on how they might solve a problem. Teens love the opportunity to flex their decision-making muscles.
In my experience teens like to talk later in the evening, usually when parents are zonked and everyone in the house should be winding down for sleep. If the hour is late, acknowledge their wish to chat and make a time to talk tomorrow.
Teens’ sleep hormones take longer to subside in the mornings. Avoid morning chats if you know your teen is slow to wake up.
Don’t take their rejecting comments personally. Teens can wield sharp tongues and have a knack for making outsized statements like “I hate you” or “I wish I could live at [insert name of best friend]’s house.” These things are usually said in the heat of the moment and, save for abusive language which should not be tolerated, it is best to let some comments slide. Debrief with a partner or an adult friend about how horrible this can feel.
Don’t expect your teen to behave like an adult. Teens might have adult-size bodies but their brains don’t reach full development until the age of 25. Teens are still children and need help with problem solving and emotional regulation.
Raising children who can communicate well, and seek help when they need it, sets them up for a more productive life. They will experience lower stress levels, be able to form lasting friendships and intimate relationships, and be more resilient through life’s challenges.
If you are having trouble communicating with your child and/or you are caught in a pattern of conflict, make an appointment with a skilled family therapist who understands child development and can arm you with the right skills to improve your relationship.
* Gottman and Declaire The Heart of Parenting (1997)
About Jacqueline
Jacqueline has been in private practice for more than two decades, helping individuals, couples and families. She has extensive experience in couple and family therapy and is considered a specialist in these areas. In her clinical practice, she has helped people deal with complex trauma, affairs, complex mental health issues, eating disorders, adolescent behavioural problems (including self-harm and suicidal ideation), behavioural issues in young children which are impacting parents and families, relationship issues and post-separation work.
Jacqueline works with many different dynamics: couples, parents, families with young children, same-sex couples, foster/adopted families, families with teenagers and also adult families. She is particularly interested in helping parents of children with behavioural issues, or with diagnosed conditions such as anxiety, ADHD, ASD and so on.
Although Jacqueline’s work is supportive and friendly, she will challenge her couples and families to make the necessary behavioural changes, to repair relationships and to move towards healthier communication styles in the future.
Jacqueline’s style is direct and fast paced and she is known for quickly getting to the heart of the matter. Clients report that they feel safe and understood with Jacqueline.
Qualifications and Professional Membership
Jacqueline has a Masters in Couple and Family Therapy (UNSW). She has a Bachelor degree in Counselling and Human Change, and a Diploma in Psychotherapy and Counselling.
Jacqueline is a Clinical Supervisor for Counsellors and Therapists. She lectures in couple and family therapy at Masters and Post Graduate level, and is currently Head Lecturer for the Couple and Family Therapy course (Masters) at the Jansen Newman Institute. She has been a Lecturer at the University of Western Sydney and Sydney University, and continues to guest lecture at other tertiary institutions.
Jacqueline is also the Director of the Couple and Family Training Centre where she runs regular professional development workshops and seminars for Therapists, Counsellors, Psychologists, Social Workers and Health Industry Workers who are looking to gain skills in this specialist area.
She is a Clinical Member of the Family Therapy Association of Australia and a Clinical Member of PACFA.
“Thank you for seeing me today. Your help with all our family issues and all your advice has been invaluable.
I don’t know how other families do it, without a Jacqueline in their lives.” – Anna (43) step-mum and mum to four children.
If you feel as though you could benefit from talking with a Therapist please contact The Sydney Couple and Family Specialists on 02 8968 9397 or email info@sydneycoupleandfamily.com.
