10 ways to immediately reduce conflict in your relationship

If conflict is a chronic problem in one of your significant relationships (such as with your partner, your child, or your sibling), my advice is to seek couples counselling or family counselling as there are likely some underlying resentments that need attention. However, there are also some practical actions you can take right now to reduce conflict and the distress it’s creating in your life. Ideally, both parties will follow these simple tips. But you will make a difference if even one of you chooses to be mindful and communicate just a little differently.

1. Timing: Don’t raise a complaint when one or both of you are tired, hungry, stressed or distracted by work. Instead, make a time when you’ll both be well resourced. This often means during the weekend. Set up the time in advance so there is an expectation that you want to talk through an issue. Set some ground rules around phones and other devices being put away for this conversation. And also you both agree to keep calm and respectful in the conversation.

2. Tone and body language: If you look aggressive and sound aggressive, the chances of your partner responding aggressively is high. I don’t think I have ever seen an interaction between a couple or family member go well when someone has shown aggression in raising a complaint. Defensiveness is a common reaction to criticism or aggression. Ensure your body language and tone are neutral and kind when you raise a complaint.

3. Criticism and defensiveness: These are both very common behaviours that lead to conflict. You need to stop them or at least manage them better. If you have a complaint, deliver it respectfully. If the other person is raising a complaint, let them know you have heard and understood them. Validate the way they feel instead of immediately attacking back.

4. Alcohol and drugs: Substances of any type increase the likelihood of conflict between people. If you notice that a lot of conflict occurs after drinking alcohol you may want to consider alcohol as a relationship problem and seek some help to either reduce it or eliminate it altogether.  And definitely do not raise a complaint if you are both drinking alcohol. Refer to point number one!

5. Stress: I have worked with couples and families for over 25 years and perhaps the number one factor I have noticed that causes conflict between people is stress. Look at ways to reduce your overall stress.  At the very least, ask the other person what is causing stress in their life, and tell them what is contributing to stress in your life. Hint: The most common causes of stress in relationships is too many commitments and not enough downtime.

6. Time matters: Ensure you carve out time for your relationship (this includes time for your child or teen, time for your family member, time for your friend, etc.) This should be time that’s about each other and your relationship – as opposed to time when you’re doing things you have to do. Going for a drive with a teen (take them to a junk food outlet drive-through as a bribe if you have to) can really help repair a scratchy relationship and encourage them to tell you things. Meeting your mother for a coffee, or going for a walk with your partner after dinner doesn’t cost much, but can help a relationship.  But also make time for you. Carve out time for yourself to recharge doing something you enjoy. Exercise, catching up with a friend, going for a walk, alone time.

7. Validation and acknowledgement: Resentment builds up in relationships when partners forget to validate and acknowledge all the work their partner does to keep a family going, relationship going, money coming in, house in order and so on. Feeling unappreciated quickly leads to resentment which quickly leads to criticism and defensiveness. …and often conflict. Validate and thank your partner, tell your partner what you appreciate about them. Try doing this once and day and see how you go with conflict. You can apply this to anyone and everyone who matters in your life – even your furious irrational teenager! It’s very hard to be angry with a person if they are validating you.

8. Time out: If you are angry or stressed by someone’s behaviour or situation – take some time out on your own to calm down. Make an agreement with your partner about taking time out if you are feeling heightened or stressed – and make sure you both understand that if someone wants time out they shouldn’t be pursued by the other person.

9. Environment: Your physical environment can help to reduce stress and conflict – or make them worse! So try to set up your living environment for calm and relaxation. Candles, soft music, the right lighting. Don’t try to manage a difficult conversation noisy busy environment. Over-stimulation stresses our brain which can mean we are less resourced to have difficult conversation in a calm way.

10. Setting an intention: And finally…..if you really want to reduce conflict all parties involved need to set this intention. Ideally every morning for the day ahead. This means mindfully reminding yourself about how you intend to communicate with your partner or family member. If you actively work on staying calm, you are more likely to achieve it. But it won’t happen magically unless you put some energy into it.

If you would like professional help with conflict in your relationships, please reach out to the Sydney Couple and Family Specialists. All Therapists are trained to help reduce conflict and improve communication in relationships – this is what we specialise in!